By Bryant La
Once upon a time, there was a pond full of ducks. The ducks lived happily, without a care, largely in part because of the benevolent, yet stern rule of their beloved duck leader, King Motherducker, who was the biggest duck of them all. In order to ensure the survival and prosperity of his duckdom, King Motherducker established a set of rules which all duck subjects were expected to abide by. For the most part, these rules were what you would expect them to be: no stealing, no killing, no swimming under the influence, no unlawful possession of quack, etc.
But one rule stood out among the rest. For some reason, King Motherducker ordered that every night, without exception, all the ducks from the right side of the pond would only be allowed to eat macaroni and cheese for dinner, while all the ducks from the left side of the pond would only be allowed spaghetti and meatballs. Even though they couldn’t see any real reason behind this rule, all the ducks decided to follow it without question, since all the other rules made sense anyway.
But one night, one wayward duck from the right side of the pond accidentally wandered too far from his home and found himself stuck all the way on the other side of the pond right around dinnertime. Because Rightside Duck knew that his parents were out for the night and because he didn’t want to take the long swim back on an empty stomach, he figured he’d just eat at a friend’s house before heading home.
When he sat down at the dinner table, a plate of spaghetti and meatballs was set down in front of him. Despite the fact that he knew he was supposed to be eating macaroni and cheese, Rightside Duck didn’t want to appear rude as a guest in his friend’s home, so he simply kept quiet and ate spaghetti and meatballs for the first time in his life. Surprising himself, he actually enjoyed it quite a bit. He happily made his way home that night with a full stomach, making it just in time before his parents got home.
The next night, back at his own duck table eating with his family, when his mother gave him his usual plate of macaroni and cheese, Rightside Duck hesitated before asking, “Actually Mom, could I have some spaghetti and meatballs tonight?”
His father quickly turned to face his son and exclaimed, ‘What the duck’s wrong with you? Why the duck hell would you ask that?”
“Now, now, dear, I’m sure he was just joking,” Mama Duck intervened nervously. Turning to her child, her expression turned serious and she told him, “Now son. You know you’re not supposed to be asking silly questions like that. Just eat your macaroni and cheese like every other duck from the right side of the pond would.”
“But why can’t I eat spaghetti and meatballs? I think it tastes good!”
“Stop talking about that stupid tomatoey pasta and just eat your cheesy pasta!” Papa Duck warned. The look of fear and panic in his eyes betrayed his otherwise strict tone.
“Why are you scared of the idea of me eating spaghetti, Dad? Why can’t I just eat what the leftside ducks are eating?”
Rightside Duck continued to try and argue his case, but his parents wouldn’t listen and reluctantly, he sat down to eat his dinner as quickly as he could before storming into his room, slamming his duck door shut behind him.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into that kid…” Papa Duck said worriedly to his wife as both of them looked towards their son’s closed door.
But Rightside Duck didn’t give up that night, nor would he for many other nights, for as long as he lived, he vowed he would continue to get to eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner no matter what. He kept on sneaking over to the left side of the pond, and every time he snuck out, his parents would sit around the table in dejected silence staring nervously at their son’s empty chair. When he came back at odd hours of the night reeking of tomato sauce and meat, both his mother and father reprimanded him for breaking one of King Motherducker’s rules, but he ignored their fears and worries and would simply do it again the next night.
Eventually, Rightside Duck was caught in the act and was brought before the Supreme Duck Court to answer for his crimes. When he requested an audience with the king, no one was more surprised than him when King Motherducker actually waddled through the grand mahogany doors to look down at his insubordinate duck citizen.
“Tell me, young duck. You seem to be smart enough to realize you shouldn’t be going around breaking my rules. So why are you doing it? You are jeopardizing the safety of all of duck-dom for what? Just so you can have your spaghetti and meatballs?” King Motherducker boomed, towering above Rightside Duck.
It took a while for Rightside Duck to shake off the fear he was feeling being scrutinized so closely under the hard gaze of his mountainous ruler, but when he managed to collect himself again, he asked defiantly, “Why can’t I? Why am I not supposed to eat spaghetti and meatballs? Why does it even matter if I eat macaroni and cheese or spaghetti?”
“Because I said so.”
Unsure of whether or not he had gotten some form of brain damage from being so close to the king’s deafening voice, Rightside Duck said, “Come again?”
“You can’t have spaghetti and meatballs because I said so. Look, the ducks from the right are supposed to eat macaroni, and the ducks from the left are supposed to eat spaghetti. That’s just the way it is, and it’s the way it will always be.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense. You can’t just proclaim some arbitrary rule, even if you are king. Why should it matter if I’m from the right or left side? If I want spaghetti and meatballs, why can’t I just have spaghetti and meatballs?!”
“ENOUGH!” shouted the duck king, having reached his breaking point. The walls rattled as his thunderous voice echoed around the courtroom. “I sentence this duck to execution to pay for his crimes against our happy pond!”
A tiny, duck-sized guillotine was wheeled into the room, and as his parents watched and cried through tearful eyes and heaving sobs, their poor son, Rightside Duck was muscled toward the death trap. Despite his thrashing and struggling, a pair of strong executioner ducks forced his head still as a third stood by, ready to release the blade.
And so ends the story of one sad duck’s futile efforts to get his coveted spaghetti and meatballs.
So yeah, this is basically every argument against the LGBTQ+ community that involves calling LGBTQ+ behavior unnatural or out of the norm.